The end of an era

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Guess what guys, it is the end of another decade. I am not trying to be that suspense-esque and mystery chic and all but it is pretty much the end of the decade, literally and figuratively speaking.

Have you guys have had a great year so far? Ticking off all the resolutions you made in January or have they whittle down sideways in March? Has it been a funtastic year all around or has it been dotted with unexpected disappointments along the way?

Well, as for me, upon reflection of the year, I have to say while there are teeny tiny changes, most things do tend to stay the same, as it does in most years. Sometimes I still surprise myself when the new year rolls around and I don’t grow an unexpected horn on my head or something? As human, we all tend to forget that the switch from 31 December to 1 January is just yet again, another day.

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I made resolutions religiously. If you do not know this about me, I am a huge list maker. I even made list about putting on my bra and brushing my teeth every single day, pfft like as if I will forget (actually wait, hmm might have forgotten once or twice, the bra part that is).

All I am saying is, I love resolutions. I made them so early on in the previous year, it is staring at me in September. Do I ever follow them through? Heck no. Except that last year, being a conscious adult and all, reviewing my goals every 3 months, I was able to stick to my resolutions loosely. The only goal I could hit was the number of books I read, that was passable and absolutely doable because I do love reading, even if it is just my “rom-com/chick flicks” books. Don’t you judge me now, they are my thang.

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I will admit though, the saving money and losing weight resolutions which I have had for the last damn 20 years have never been achieved. I am bad at saving money as I am in watching what I put in my mouth. But, having said that, I manage to emerge through the year still being in a fair good shape. Sure sure, my knee troubles me every damn day like a muthapucker but I, still damn grateful, I have my overall health in check. And guess what guys, that gym membership that I had silently, I have been going for lunch time classes (thanks to my work girls <3). I mean, can I get an A for effort at least? Some weeks are pretty great, I will be awesomely motivated, some weeks are not. But that is fine, we are all humans and that’s my gist for this entry, it is fine to be just fine.

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If you guys need a random reminder, let me be the one telling you this:- Let’s not be too hard on ourselves, we have others already doing that for us. So, let’s be nice and kind to our wee selves. Let’s do away with those unnecessary questions in your head about if you are enough? The answer is fuck yes, you are enough as it is and I know you are doing the best damn job you can for yourself, so you deserve a great pat on your sexy back. If you do not hit the jackpot in any part of your life, that is fine my friends. For if you wake up another day blessed to be able to breathe, you can try again.

You don’t save a million dollars last year, that is fine, at least you still have your job-however crappy it may be. You don’t get to snag that dream girl, that is fine you have amazing friends and lovely families having your back. You don’t manage to lose that 5 or 50 pounds, that is fine, just keep moving and start small, you will get somewhere I promise you. You don’t manage to conceive, that is fine, go hug your partner instead, you still got love. You think your life is boring, hey guess what.. yes damn right that is fine, you got a roof over your head, you are safe and warm and you are healthy and breathing, basic necessities are damn okay too. We are all fine. We can do more and we can do better. Don’t give up!!

I am wishing one and all, a jubilant new year, the ushering of a new decade and may all the brilliance trail you along in each and every way. Stay awesome all you cutie possums!!!!


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The loss of a dear pet

Few weeks ago, we lost our beloved cat to a sudden mysterious road accident/poison incident. She was a healthy, happy 6 year old little princess of ours. She insisted on leaving the house on a late Monday night which was not unusual as she was an indoor/outdoor but it was uncharacteristic of her, given that it is in the middle of the winter. Bizarrely, she did not return all of the next day Tuesday and by the 3rd day Wednesday, I knew in my guts something bad has happened. When I spoke to my workmates to send out prayers her way, I was recommended to post on a lost and found page in trusty ol’ Facebook, which I did. I was so glad I did.

I never would have thought that with the support of an online community, I could have received so much help in such little time from a group of strangers. I was notified by a member of the public that upon driving near our place, she spotted a black furry animal by the road. She said she was hoping it was not ours but I immediately knew it was our cat. My instinct on her has always been strong from day one. I knew she was gone. I could not bring myself to return home mid-work because I also knew I will shatter. What good will a breakdown be anyway? Immediately, I told my husband and he said he will drive home right that very minute and he will call me back in 15 minutes. He was confidently sure it was not our cat as she was unfailingly a smart and adventurous cat. Well, 15 minutes passed and he did not call me back after 2 hours. All my gut instinct told me that my suspicion is confirmed.

What that kind member of the public and my husband did not tell me was, our cat’s carcass have been left out cold for a day or more and that there were huge birds which have gathered and pecked on her. My poor poor baby. 

Following the days that went by after, there was not a single day I did not wake up crying. There was also never a day I did not cry myself to sleep.

To some, a pet is just an animal but to me she was an integral part of my life. She was not only a cat but she was an amazing companion in her own quiet manners. She was simply the best cat, growing up with many, this is a statement I don’t throw around lightly. 

She was not the friendliest, neither was she a purring lap cat but the long months and years of caring and nurturing for her paid off in her loyalty. She was such a loyal cat. She was never not without by my side when I am home. I even sleep cuddling her much to my husband’s annoyance. She was always always around. She hung by the front door when I am sitting at the front patio, she hung around in the backyard when I am doing my late night laundry, she hung around the garage waiting for us to come home when we take the car out on the weekends. She was the easiest cat to care for. She is polite and never rash. She will wait tirelessly by our pillows for us to wake up or wait by the toilet for me to finish my shower before asking to be fed. And she never ask for more, she was never a greedy cat. She will gently put her paw on me if she wants to be pet but she is never needy, always independent. She was like a guardian angel.

I have lost grandparents, aunties, uncles,  cousins, friends and many cats growing up and I knew what loss was. But I never knew the real meaning of grieving till I lost her. For many days, I could not let her go in peace and it broke me to shambles. Round and round I played in my mind, I question and doubted myself. Was it ever my fault? Could I have done more? Could I have done better? In silence, it broke my very being of existence to even live yet another day. For when she left, it was the biggest hole in my heart she took. I felt extremely extremely empty. 

I could not walked past the path she was last alive on without crying. I could not go to the kitchen without thinking of her feeding area without crying. I could not sit on the couch and look at every small corner where she sat on without crying. Everything reminds me of her. 

And what was even sadder was my husband felt the same way too. For days and weeks, we became the couple who sat by the couch watch tv in silence, wiping away our own tears as the night goes by thinking of her. The house felt so big yet so very empty, every inch of the house was marked by her presence, she was so very much missed. 

I never regretted the few short years I care for her, while it might be short but it was filled with exceptional love to the brim. I smothered her with love and I gave her the best of a life a cat can get. She was utterly pampered like a princess, just the way she deserves.

To cope with my grief, I gathered the blanket she slept on every day, her brush which have the last of her fur (I was hoping it has more because she was quite furry) and I wrote her a farewell note. In that note, I asked her for forgiveness. 6 years was too short of a life, she deserved to enjoy it more. I wrote that I hope she is enjoying kitty heaven and that I really want to see her again. In the meantime, I was really hoping to see her in my dreams. I printed photos of her and pasted it everywhere, by our wedding photo in the living room and in the bedroom. I kept her blanket beside me on my bedside table. I made her face my phone screensavers and I made a book out of all her photos. I wanted to make sure I will never forget her and that by any faintest chance, her spirit will come visit us, I just wanted her to know she is never forgotten. We both really miss her a lot.

Sure, I will always continue to adopt more cats but that special portion of my heart deserved especially for her will never ever ever ever be filled up again. There will be no other pet like her and that’s fine because while she might have left the world, she will never leave my heart.